Tag Archives: funny

F.A.Q.

Most sites have a Frequently Asked Questions section and I don’t want to feel left out. So far no-one has actually asked any questions, so I am just guessing.

How are you?

I find that I annoy myself by saying “I’m good” when asked that question. I’m just not convinced it’s actually valid English. I got into the habit when I found that many Americans stare at you blankly if you answer any other way.

Who are you?

That’s a very deep question. Perhaps we could start with something a bit easier? If you’re impatient I suggest you ask someone with a Psychology or Philosophy degree and not someone like me who has one in Computer Science.

What do you want?

Never ask that question.

I live in Nigeria and would like to transfer a large sum of money out of the country. Can you help me?

Ha! Like I’d make that mistake again.

What’s red, round and ticks?

A clock-work tomato.

Will you promise never to tell a joke that bad again?

I’m afraid all my jokes are that bad.

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I don’t like the sound of where this is going, but in answer to your question, no. As I am a male Caucasian it’s probably best that I don’t try to dance.

What’s the state capital of California?

Only a few people will know why this is funny. I’m not going to explain.

Why won’t my file open when I’m eating toast?

That is the most stupid question ever! Do not have children! (This from the Daily Dilbert mailing on the 7th October, 2005.)

Are you really as dumb as you seem from this blog?

Such rudeness. But probably.

Well, I hope you found that enlightening. Feel free to add a comment with any new questions you have.

Oracle Comedy Errors Home

Welcome to the Oracle Comedy Errors Page!

This page is dedicated to all those frustrating hours that you have to spend fiddling about with Oracle just to get it working as it says it does on the box.

These are just things that have happened to me and the projects that I have been involved in. To make a really complete Oracle Comedy Errors Page we need your input.

For those that have already contributed, there is always this page. It also catalogues the projects and Oracle software that I’ve used to build up this list.

Why is this page here?

There seems to be a great number of people who are only too eager to bash Microsoft, but only a few who seem to hate Oracle. Looking at their products, I thought that there must be at least a few sympathetic souls on the net. A quick search on HotBot and Altavista seems to indicate otherwise.

To rectify this shameless situation, I aim to produce, if not the first, then the definitive list of Oracle cock-ups and anecdotes. Naturally, I can’t do this all on my own; there are others.

I can supply the TAR numbers if you don’t believe me…

Content

Oracle Server Comedy Errors

Oracle, the company, was founded back in the late seventies as a company that produced an SQL database. Its entire reputation has been built on this product and it is, therefore, no surprise that it is very good.

That’s not to say that there have been no problems…

  • To perform dodgy ‘system’ operations on a database, you need access to a user called ‘internal.’ In theory, you need to be in the UNIX ‘dba’ group to be able to connect. That is unless you belong to rather a lot of groups, in which case it doesn’t seem to work. (We’ve not actually called this through, so there may be a simple explanation.) (7.1)
  • When creating a new database, you have to run a file called ‘catalog.sql’ to finish the job. At the end of this file is the following message: ‘THIS IS THE END OF THIS FILE – IF I AM NOT HERE THEN RCS HAS TRUNCATED FILE‘ (7.3)
  • I’m not entirely sure that this counts, but an installation program that requires more resources than that product that it’s installing demands at least an honorable mention. (8i)

Oracle Client Software Comedy Errors

Oracle Data Browser

Oracle Data Browser, part of the Discover 2000 suite, is one of the least amusing applications that Oracle supply. Not because it’s bad, but because it almost works…

  • Windows 95 has a ‘full screen drag’ feature (freely download-able from Microsoft‘s web site). If you load Data Browser you don’t. It suddenly stops working.
  • Now this is supposed to be a feature, but I’m not convinced. The word ‘Browser’ seems to indicate that it’s a read-only product. In fact a version comes with it that isn’t.

Oracle Data Query

Until we started really using SmartClient, we thought that Data Query, half of the Discoverer 2000 suite, was the lemon of the Oracle product library. That’s not to say that it’s good, just that after all that’s happened with Applications we’ve more or less forgotten a lot of the really annoying stuff. Lucky Oracle.

  • Data Query makes Windows 2.0 seem stable. Even in it’s 32-bit version.
  • It often magically moves the input focus to somewhere you don’t want.

Oracle Applications Comedy Errors

Fair’s fair, any application the size and complexity of Oracle Applications will have some bugs. But applications seems to do far better than most.

This section refers to the server size of Applications Comedy Errors. There’s another page for the client side.

  • To install a new application module, it seems that you have to add the original version you have plus all patches. Not just for your new module, but for all of them. (People that implement Application’s are not expected to make mistakes.)
  • The recommended sizes for your database extents are useful. However, if you follow the advice, some parts of the system won’t actually install.
  • Oracle helpfully supply a program that goes through the thousands of files that it installs and checks that they’re the right ones. We’ve found at least a dozen files that it claims shouldn’t be there but in fact should be.
  • After applying a patch, the shell script that starts the Concurrent Managers just vanished.
  • One of the bugs that we found was because Oracle had ‘forgotten’ to port a number of forms from one environment to the one we were using. The word ‘forgotten,’ despite being inverted commas, is the actual word used by Oracle support.